See as a landlord you have to be keen as to where the money is comin from. See the ex was a lawyer or some such in the city and pays ALL fluffy's bills. NICE!!! I like him. Them not so much, but him I like. So I go and sign a lease letting them move into my beautiful 3 bed place with the kid and the pits and all their drama, but it's ok because the ex is footin the bill. they move in and all is great, right? Here's another lesson from the slumlord, there is never a happily ever after with gang bangers and pit bulls ok? another tip, make the EX co-sign the lease. did you write that down, Let the money source CO_SIGN!!! HELLO???
If you ever read any of this insanity, make sure you get that last bit. I didn't do that. so a year later I have a bad situation with ah Spanky. Yes she is also a cannabis fanatic and started, (so I've been told) "growing" whatever that is.(I am just a dumb landlord) And here's the really fun part that defines a landlord as a slumlord, the girlfriend decides that Spanky is overbearing and a fuckin dick, so she leaves!!! she moves in with a mutual Lawyer/pedophile dude that has about six people living at his house, all under 20! he's like 55. ANYWAY, as Fluffy goes so goes the BANK! ya get what I'm telling you???? CO-SIGN and when there is no money source the repairs don't get done, and the costs to go thru an eviction is astronomical. So I always try to do whatever I can to placate the tenant and the situation. uh Spanky comes to me with a proposition, she will sell her tomato plants that she is "growing" and give me a years pay, whatever that means, all I heard was "years pay" ok I need to stop here and give you another heads up, "don't make deals with the underlayment of society" did you hear what I said, do not make deals with crackheads, or methjobs or street slingers, are you writing this down? good. so ok now I am feeling like we have a good gig going, somehow she is going to change into this great tomato entrepreneur and have lots of money. Well, that sounds great great! yeah go ahead and live there for free and do your thing so I can get paid, we are good to go.
I don't know if many people get sucked into long toothed stories that sound good and seem to solve potential headaches, but this is Spanky, I keep thinking fuck if I could just avoid going to court, it could cost me too much, so yeah whatever will work. So first, she tells me that she has a brother in Arizona that takes care of her distribution needs, whatever that means, and she will drive down in Oct make a delivery and come back with a years pay. Wow I like who needs the EX. so then, hmmm, october rolls by I don't hear anything, so I text, yes 90% of my tenants all text now, I like it, she texts me and tells me that there is a snag, her brother got into a car accident and it will be later than we thought because he needs to heal. Hmmm, evict her? go to court? lose a bunch of mony or believe the crack head? hmm what would you do? Then in Nov she promised that a deal would be done on the 10th, great!!! yes going to get PAID!! the thing that people don't understand is that landlords have boatloads of financial responsibilities, and costs that you would never believe, business licenses certificates, inspections, fire safety fees and fire fees, apparently they are very different but you have to pay two different groups to check you place for safety and fire extinguishers, pay twice, rent control board, etc....
so when a tenat does not pay then other shit doesn't get paid, then shit rolls downhill and eventually the place looks like crap because the "slumlord" now cannot pay for repairs and it costs too much to evict, so it's the asshole tenants that make slums, (for the most part). I have a perfect example, I had a tenant who had 4 baby mommas, well one of the baby's momma saw my tenant with another of the baby's momma and she got pissed so she decided that it would be a wise idea to throw a brick thru the front window, that will show him right? WRONG!! pinhead doesn't have any money, so I have to pay the $350 dollars for the 4x5 1/4 inch window to be replaced. so great fine right? NO! she sees that it is fixed and decides he was not hurt enough and throws another brick thru the window!!! that really hurts him right? NO it only hurts ME!!!! you stupid bitch. so I tell him well sorry hugh but I am not fixing it again, 8 months and one winter later he moves out and I have to replace the window again. So everyone thinks I am a horrible landlord because I don't fix the window, hence "slumlord" not because of me, it's because of the tenants.
ANYWAY I digress, so time goes by and uh Spanky promises me that Dec 10th I'll get my Money. Finally! Dec 10th comes and her Uncle died, so she has to go away to Arizona for awhile but after she gets back she can do the deal, whatever that means. I wait and wait, nothing, I call and text, but nothing, I start getting steamed, she texts back her brother is so distraught over her uncle that she needs more time til he feels better, ???????? what?
I start to smell a rat, I tell her that this is not ok and that I am going to evict her, she comes back with she has a crop whatever that means, ready in a week and it will all be for me. I don't even like tomatoes. But whatever, so I wait another week, I don't hear anything. I inquire she says her old partner wanted to get what was owed so he came in and stole everything including all the "grow" equipment. I thought you just needed soil and sun for tomatoes, but I guess he has some Zues like powers and stole the sun, whatever that means, and she tells me she has nothing, but she has these little strains, whatever that means and she can make a bundle growing these. So she will have a quick turn around and get me some rent. I wait and wait. now she never responds, finally around march she tells me she is in the hospital and is dying of cancer. oh god how horrible. I feel bad, I try and find out what hospital, hospitals don't let you know if a patient is there or not. so I could never find out if it is true, I start calling around the streets, I find out that she is slinging um tomatoes all over town, she is known as the um "tomato king" whatever. so I get pissed and start going over there to yell at her. She assures me that everything is in order and that I am going to get paid, she always pays everyone. so I trust and I wait. by the end of may I decide enough is enough, but I am in too deep now, if I get rid of her, it will cost me money to lawyers and more time, and then I have to fix up again and landscape again, etc, that costs me money if I believe her and trust her then I won't be forced to spend money and I will get paid. And she is dying anyways right?
I finally get with her and discover that she does not have cancer, she has a fungus infection in the lungs, that can kill her. It is caused by dead decaying plants and a weak immune system. So she says she has to go to the hospital all the time for treatments, and she got robbed again and is broke again. What e-v-e-r!! so I decide to evict her, I am never going to see any money. So I go ahead with the eviction. She is served notice and her dogs almost kill the guy, the police are called and they tried to arrest the server as an intruder. Jesus! being a landlord sucks. Then she calls me and tells me that she understands and that her current crop will be ready in August and she will give me rent and move to LA. Thank you. I feel like I am finally going to be caught up. Well, in mid July, two aquaintences come over to see her and her "tomatoes" and as she lets them in they bash her head in with a lamp base from inside the house, blood splatter is smacked all over the place, she hits the ground and they bash her head some more, splattering more blood, she is out they think she is dead, they go upstairs to the "area" and they are surprised to see a 20 year old beauty queen that happens to be Spanky's gal, and they bash her head in, leaving her for dead in a massive pool of blood. NICE business!! the two ruffians decide they really need tomatoes and they take all of them, and the new equipment whatever that means, and they're gone. I am called by the neighbor, I come over and blood is everywhere, the beauty queen has returned from the hospital with 52 stitches in her face and a cracked skull.(looks more like Quasimodo now, rather than Jenny Aniston. NICE Business! she has no insurance so she refuses to stay in the hospital, I discover the Spanky too has a cracked skull, lamp bases will do some damage no question. So the manhunt is on for attempted murder. a few days later I get with Spanky and tell her that I have had enough drama and I want her out. just give me my fuckin house back. She says she will, she will be out august 1st. she will let me have the house back. And I am sure you all know what is going to happen on aug 1st right? She needs another month then for sure her newest crop will be ready and she will be gone.
Well, today is August 31st, and she tests me to say she needs another month before her LA place is ready. WTF!!!! take and take and take and now wants more??? I am beside myself, she goes on about how she was almost killed and bad luck has hit her and blah blah blah...am I a callous bastard or what? anyway I told her that comes with the territory, that she accepted the possibility of getting killed when she decide to a) get in the tomato business and b) show every tom dick and harry off the street what she is doing in the house, how about keeping the matrix low on this one huh? that might be a good career move. but noooo! got to tell the whole world like she has a set of new twins and all of suburbia needs to see the new additions. So now I am out totally and I have to go and get the lawyers involved and spend a bunch of fuckin money that should go for my kids shoues and school books and clothes and baseball, etc but I have to give it to a lawyer because some fuckin bitch cant stop robbing me of my rightful cash. If she had gone to a store down the street and stole $250 dollars she could go to jail for 5 years. But if they steal $20,000 in rent they go live somewhere else and I get nothing, the court system is fuckin wrong. They should go to fuckin jail for 30 years. whatever
Well written Matt. I like the story, I like the way it is written. Too bad it is nonfiction.
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