the landlord pipedream

I started thinking about owning property from my grandfather, I noticed that he never worked when I was a kid, he just drove around went to the beach, came and visited us and the like. I thought my dad works but my grandfather doesn't hmmm, I want to do what he does. I learned that what he does is he owns, and people send him money. So the first image of what I thought was the "work" of a land owner was him waking up at 10 or 11 am and rolling out to the mailbox and collecting the rent checks and going back in the house and spending the rest of the day wondering what to do. So I thought oh hell yeah, this is what I want to do. So as an early kid I thought this would be my ultimate goal. Be like grandpa. I then went on to grade school and completed my coursework in basic math, english, reading, and some music. I was then accepted to a fine Jr High in the mountains of Portola california. I enrolled in the program of basic education to prepare myself for High School. What I should have been doing was to ask my grandfather all the questions that neeed to be asked to learn about landlordism. I didn't I thought just picking up the checks sometime during the day from the mailbox is really all I needed to know. well, ha ha. NOT!

so years later i bought my first place in Oakland. 1 bed dump broken windows, counters on the floor, gaping holes in the floor I could see the dirt below, I happily moved in and began my real estate career. Flipping, renting, fixing. It was hard at first, I was working and lived in this dump and whenever I had a bit of extra change I would then go ahead and buy a cabinate or a piece of dry wall or some materials and do a little upgrade here and there, well I was not making any money back then and extra was hard to comeby, it took me 2 years to complete and have a nice unit ready to rent. I cleaned it up nice I found a place to live with my brother in Richmond annex only paying about $200/mo. it was good. I found a renter thru section-8 (whole nother topic er) and he moved in and started paying me about $680/mo. So the rent covered the small mortgage and my rent at the Richmond house. AND I was working fulltime in S.F. So I was putting money away with no real costs. Things were good. This was my first Tenant and he was great, he had some mental/vietnam problems and his elderly father took care of him and the property. It was good I was spoiled, the actually paid me on time and the whole amount, and they fixed whatever the problem was. The experience made me feel like wow this is so easy, why wouldn't everyone do this. So I worked hard and saved a bunch of money and bought my second place. It was a broken down duplex in Berkeley. I moved from the Richmond place and moved into the downstairs unit in the Berkeley place. I quickly fixed up and cleaned the upstairs unit and rented it to my Brother and his wife. They were paying me $600/mo, my mortgage was about $800/mo so with the $680 from the first place and the $600 from upstairs and my job in S.F. I was really starting to make a nice profit. So I stayed there for about 2 years and then I bought another place in Berkeley, so now I had three places paying me and I was working full-time. Nice.

but then the landlord business started to raise it's ugly head. The new house had renters in it already, they didn't pay the rent on time. they were always 1 month behind, and I would call and tell them and they would say they didn't have any money and this is the best they can do. so right away I am trying not to rock the boat and get a lawyer and spend more money. But this tenant then would start claiming problems and subtracting fixes from the rent, like he had to replace the stove and the floor was messed up so he would not pay me $800 of the rent, and that would be a month behind. I was a sitting duck I had no idea what to do about this. I asked them to pay on time and they didn't. Can you imagine? someone that doesn't regard paying rent on time as an important responsibility. so I then said to stop subtracting and they didn't. I need to see these things that you are claiming and I will decide what needs to be done. Anyways he then pulled something off the net and said that this website says that the landlord has to pay water and gas and something and so he is going to subtract all these costs from the rents, oh my god!!! So I got a lawyer. this lawyer was good, he took the case made my property rent control compliant(new to me) we then went back in time to find old leases for this house and found some from 10 years back, he then added the allowable rent increase for the last ten years and found that legally under rent control I was entitled to $2100/mo rather than the $1300/mo they were paying. So I wrote this wackfuck a letter, saying that according to the rent control boards laws I am entitled to $2100/mo and that I am notifying him that the rent will increase to this amount in 30 days, if you cannot afford it and you need to move, I will understand. So he called me and said he si going to sue me and that I am a capitalst pig trying to take advantage of the less fortunate and the uneducated, he was from Oakland and was now a muslim that worshiped gaunja. that is why he didn't want to pay rent. he was full of shit and tried everyway not to pay rent and screw with me. So he called back and said "well I guess you've done your homework, I am calling to tell you we are moving" here's the kicker, this prick, who complained for years that I am a capitalist pig sucking money from the poor and not respecting the lower income folks, well he went and bought a house. ASS really struggling but was able to save for a fuckin house.
so let that be a lesson for ya, don't believe anyone, just get ur rent and if they can't pay have a going away party for them asap!! Since that point I have had at least one major tenant bullshit problem every year for the last 10 years!! and some have been absolutely fucked up assholes. this life has made me no forced me not to trust anyone, and not give a shit about their problems, not my problem. I used to do alot for people to get them to pay but now it just isn't worth it. So now I hate dealing with this crap all the time, I am sick of everyone's excuses and problems. Can't stand it and I don't care. don't get me wrong there are a few great tenants now and again that are great. anyways that's some stuff for ya now...

what we do for tenants!!!

OK so I have this tenant, we'll call her uh, Spanky, she is a white woman that is heavily set or was anyway, now she is thin due to illness. anyway, she wears baggy clothes and has her cap on sideways and tats all over, she has major attitude and is missing some teeth, her pit bulls are always nearby, very menacing. I met her from another tenant, she was down and out, her and her dogs were living with ah, let's call him Chris, and he was quite sick of the whole thing, she was not carrying her weight, not paying for food or cleaning, (she gave me a different story). so I met her and we got on well considering we were both coke heads and homeless at one time. She had a new smokin girlfriend, let's call her uh, powder, no uh, fluffy, no really, uh Christine, and she was young and hot and dark hair, with an ex-husband who pays all the bills as she is with child.

See as a landlord you have to be keen as to where the money is comin from. See the ex was a lawyer or some such in the city and pays ALL fluffy's bills. NICE!!! I like him. Them not so much, but him I like. So I go and sign a lease letting them move into my beautiful 3 bed place with the kid and the pits and all their drama, but it's ok because the ex is footin the bill. they move in and all is great, right? Here's another lesson from the slumlord, there is never a happily ever after with gang bangers and pit bulls ok? another tip, make the EX co-sign the lease. did you write that down, Let the money source CO_SIGN!!! HELLO???

If you ever read any of this insanity, make sure you get that last bit. I didn't do that. so a year later I have a bad situation with ah Spanky. Yes she is also a cannabis fanatic and started, (so I've been told) "growing" whatever that is.(I am just a dumb landlord) And here's the really fun part that defines a landlord as a slumlord, the girlfriend decides that Spanky is overbearing and a fuckin dick, so she leaves!!! she moves in with a mutual Lawyer/pedophile dude that has about six people living at his house, all under 20! he's like 55. ANYWAY, as Fluffy goes so goes the BANK! ya get what I'm telling you???? CO-SIGN and when there is no money source the repairs don't get done, and the costs to go thru an eviction is astronomical. So I always try to do whatever I can to placate the tenant and the situation. uh Spanky comes to me with a proposition, she will sell her tomato plants that she is "growing" and give me a years pay, whatever that means, all I heard was "years pay" ok I need to stop here and give you another heads up, "don't make deals with the underlayment of society" did you hear what I said, do not make deals with crackheads, or methjobs or street slingers, are you writing this down? good. so ok now I am feeling like we have a good gig going, somehow she is going to change into this great tomato entrepreneur and have lots of money. Well, that sounds great great! yeah go ahead and live there for free and do your thing so I can get paid, we are good to go.

I don't know if many people get sucked into long toothed stories that sound good and seem to solve potential headaches, but this is Spanky, I keep thinking fuck if I could just avoid going to court, it could cost me too much, so yeah whatever will work. So first, she tells me that she has a brother in Arizona that takes care of her distribution needs, whatever that means, and she will drive down in Oct make a delivery and come back with a years pay. Wow I like who needs the EX. so then, hmmm, october rolls by I don't hear anything, so I text, yes 90% of my tenants all text now, I like it, she texts me and tells me that there is a snag, her brother got into a car accident and it will be later than we thought because he needs to heal. Hmmm, evict her? go to court? lose a bunch of mony or believe the crack head? hmm what would you do? Then in Nov she promised that a deal would be done on the 10th, great!!! yes going to get PAID!! the thing that people don't understand is that landlords have boatloads of financial responsibilities, and costs that you would never believe, business licenses certificates, inspections, fire safety fees and fire fees, apparently they are very different but you have to pay two different groups to check you place for safety and fire extinguishers, pay twice, rent control board, etc....

so when a tenat does not pay then other shit doesn't get paid, then shit rolls downhill and eventually the place looks like crap because the "slumlord" now cannot pay for repairs and it costs too much to evict, so it's the asshole tenants that make slums, (for the most part). I have a perfect example, I had a tenant who had 4 baby mommas, well one of the baby's momma saw my tenant with another of the baby's momma and she got pissed so she decided that it would be a wise idea to throw a brick thru the front window, that will show him right? WRONG!! pinhead doesn't have any money, so I have to pay the $350 dollars for the 4x5 1/4 inch window to be replaced. so great fine right? NO! she sees that it is fixed and decides he was not hurt enough and throws another brick thru the window!!! that really hurts him right? NO it only hurts ME!!!! you stupid bitch. so I tell him well sorry hugh but I am not fixing it again, 8 months and one winter later he moves out and I have to replace the window again. So everyone thinks I am a horrible landlord because I don't fix the window, hence "slumlord" not because of me, it's because of the tenants.
ANYWAY I digress, so time goes by and uh Spanky promises me that Dec 10th I'll get my Money. Finally! Dec 10th comes and her Uncle died, so she has to go away to Arizona for awhile but after she gets back she can do the deal, whatever that means. I wait and wait, nothing, I call and text, but nothing, I start getting steamed, she texts back her brother is so distraught over her uncle that she needs more time til he feels better, ???????? what?
I start to smell a rat, I tell her that this is not ok and that I am going to evict her, she comes back with she has a crop whatever that means, ready in a week and it will all be for me. I don't even like tomatoes. But whatever, so I wait another week, I don't hear anything. I inquire she says her old partner wanted to get what was owed so he came in and stole everything including all the "grow" equipment. I thought you just needed soil and sun for tomatoes, but I guess he has some Zues like powers and stole the sun, whatever that means, and she tells me she has nothing, but she has these little strains, whatever that means and she can make a bundle growing these. So she will have a quick turn around and get me some rent. I wait and wait. now she never responds, finally around march she tells me she is in the hospital and is dying of cancer. oh god how horrible. I feel bad, I try and find out what hospital, hospitals don't let you know if a patient is there or not. so I could never find out if it is true, I start calling around the streets, I find out that she is slinging um tomatoes all over town, she is known as the um "tomato king" whatever. so I get pissed and start going over there to yell at her. She assures me that everything is in order and that I am going to get paid, she always pays everyone. so I trust and I wait. by the end of may I decide enough is enough, but I am in too deep now, if I get rid of her, it will cost me money to lawyers and more time, and then I have to fix up again and landscape again, etc, that costs me money if I believe her and trust her then I won't be forced to spend money and I will get paid. And she is dying anyways right?
I finally get with her and discover that she does not have cancer, she has a fungus infection in the lungs, that can kill her. It is caused by dead decaying plants and a weak immune system. So she says she has to go to the hospital all the time for treatments, and she got robbed again and is broke again. What e-v-e-r!! so I decide to evict her, I am never going to see any money. So I go ahead with the eviction. She is served notice and her dogs almost kill the guy, the police are called and they tried to arrest the server as an intruder. Jesus! being a landlord sucks. Then she calls me and tells me that she understands and that her current crop will be ready in August and she will give me rent and move to LA. Thank you. I feel like I am finally going to be caught up. Well, in mid July, two aquaintences come over to see her and her "tomatoes" and as she lets them in they bash her head in with a lamp base from inside the house, blood splatter is smacked all over the place, she hits the ground and they bash her head some more, splattering more blood, she is out they think she is dead, they go upstairs to the "area" and they are surprised to see a 20 year old beauty queen that happens to be Spanky's gal, and they bash her head in, leaving her for dead in a massive pool of blood. NICE business!! the two ruffians decide they really need tomatoes and they take all of them, and the new equipment whatever that means, and they're gone. I am called by the neighbor, I come over and blood is everywhere, the beauty queen has returned from the hospital with 52 stitches in her face and a cracked skull.(looks more like Quasimodo now, rather than Jenny Aniston. NICE Business! she has no insurance so she refuses to stay in the hospital, I discover the Spanky too has a cracked skull, lamp bases will do some damage no question. So the manhunt is on for attempted murder. a few days later I get with Spanky and tell her that I have had enough drama and I want her out. just give me my fuckin house back. She says she will, she will be out august 1st. she will let me have the house back. And I am sure you all know what is going to happen on aug 1st right? She needs another month then for sure her newest crop will be ready and she will be gone.
Well, today is August 31st, and she tests me to say she needs another month before her LA place is ready. WTF!!!! take and take and take and now wants more??? I am beside myself, she goes on about how she was almost killed and bad luck has hit her and blah blah blah...am I a callous bastard or what? anyway I told her that comes with the territory, that she accepted the possibility of getting killed when she decide to a) get in the tomato business and b) show every tom dick and harry off the street what she is doing in the house, how about keeping the matrix low on this one huh? that might be a good career move. but noooo! got to tell the whole world like she has a set of new twins and all of suburbia needs to see the new additions. So now I am out totally and I have to go and get the lawyers involved and spend a bunch of fuckin money that should go for my kids shoues and school books and clothes and baseball, etc but I have to give it to a lawyer because some fuckin bitch cant stop robbing me of my rightful cash. If she had gone to a store down the street and stole $250 dollars she could go to jail for 5 years. But if they steal $20,000 in rent they go live somewhere else and I get nothing, the court system is fuckin wrong. They should go to fuckin jail for 30 years. whatever

Bad renters

Ok so the deal with evictions is, it costs alot of money. Say for example, and this has happened to me, a tenant doesn't pay...I notify them that they are behind and need to pay rent, they get mad at me and call me names because I am such a dick for asking for rent. somehow I am the badguy, I provide housing a roof over their head, water, electrical, whatever, and I'm an ass because I have the audacity to request rent! then you go to the next step and give a 3 day notice for rent or quit. Then what happens is criminal, I am out $3000 in rent let's say, then I start the eviction, they then go and get a pro-bono lawyer advocate for the poor, their attorney calls my attorney and they make a deal. The deal is, I let the tenant stay for another 6 months free, without any recourse at the end of the 6 months and they will leave, or they will go to court. The problem with court is that it will cost me possibly $10,000 to win and prove that the tenant actually does owe me $3000 in rent, but in the meantime 6 months go by and then I am out another $7000 in lost rent and I had to pay $800/mo for six months for the mortgage. so now we have lost $24,800, $6,800 more than I could have collected the whole year. So the laws for landlords are fucked, it's all about being ignorant and poor, then the state will protect you. If you are educated and have some money you are a tyrant and you need NO protection because you are a capitalist pig. scum! so you win your case but now you have to collect, if the no-recourse clause is there then you are just screwed. So now I have some help, you can go to a collection agency and sick them on the offender, if nothing else they will attack them and attack them and put their credit in the tank, and eventually will even take them to court themselves. So that is the next plan of attack. To go after these people with the collection agency. Allied National will go after them for an account initiation of $40. http://www.nationalrentrecovery.com Lanlords need some recourse and protection. here is an option.

latest move-out

ok so I had this girl living in a real nice place I have, she was very private and whenever we communicated whether it be through email or text or phone she was always very polite and genuinely concerned about taking care of the rent and whatnot.  For years she developed a pattern of not paying rent for 3 months then come up with the total and all would be ok again. (ring a bell? 420ers) So she always gave me this long explanation of how the financial aide department was going to cover her costs because she was on some scholarship, but everytime there was some issue with the financial aide office, like the person went on vacation and the person who covered for that person didn't know that this account was there, or the person at the office had a baby and all her accounts didn't get sent over properly or the person died, and or quit, blah blah blah!!!  I have heard so many excuses in the last 20 years that it is ridiculous what people come up with. Anyway, she told me that she would have the place move in ready and I wouldn't have to do anything. She said she had the carpet cleaning scheduled for the 29th, blah blah blah!! I went there in the beginning of august like the 3rd and checked it out. First thing I noticed was that the carpets were covered in crap and feathers, each room was clearly not cleaned, not even vacuumed. in the middle room, there was dirt piled up by the closet, and in the closet was lights, electrical chords, ah huge cropped stems in big grow pots, vents and makeshift filters, and the closet was covered with mildew. hmmmmm I wonder what was going on here?? hmmmm, could this be evidence of the "financial aide office?" is this her scholarship program?? Also did I mention she painted the fuckin windows black!!! all the windows were blacked out. couldn't she just cover it with garbage bags? So she bolted owing me 3 months of rent. clearly did not intend to pay me, nor clean up the place. How about the stove looked like she burned victims in there. see below. Also she left trash all over the property. People think that if they move all their crap out into the front of the property then it will magically disappear! NO what happens is the landlord has to either remove it himself at his cost or pay someone to remove it at his cost. or hers whatever!  I have basements full of peoples crap that just leave things because they don't wnat to deal with it. I have had on many occasions where people move out and leave everything!! Clothes, beds, furniture, beds, as if someone was still there and would be back in a minute.

Anyways, I am out three months of rent and now I have to chase her down and sue her, which costs money with lawyers and all. This is the kind of fun you can look forward to as a landlord. til the next stupid incident, later Matt